People say that I am no longer kind. That I am not soft and warm, gentle and happy anymore.
I have become aggressive and arrogant; rude and brusque.
I reply that people do not know me. I have lost interest in my career.
I have lost interest in the human race; even in life itself.
May 16th, 1988
I have become cold and without feeling, driven on by an obsession for myself. I have lost a feeling for other people. It is not that I dislike them, but that all too often they do not satisfy me. Show me a person with passion and with zeal, and above all wisdom, and I hail that person almost as a god. Someone who is plainly either seeking that same elusive state as demonstrably as myself, or else… (unfinished.)
March 3rd, 1987
I feel as though I am about to break off from the main body of the world. I feel as though I’m moving towards the role I am due to play in this life; one of discreet service, of merely a passive role in the world’s surface activity, projecting myself into a life stationed in a more causal realm. This transition should be fully completed by my 30th birthday. (October 3rd, 1988 - by which point I had become a Member of The Aetherius Society and also a trainee Staff Team Member.)
April 15th, 1986
You talk to me, you talk to me
In silence you talk to me;
Oh, how I’m lonely
Waiting, watching,
Counting, counting, counting…
Date unknown
Unspoken words to my mother: “You see, Anne, we are the words and the pages of the book, but we are not the cover or the Hands that hold the book.” December 18th, 2007.
“Success is a lonely road, so I appreciate you accompanying me.” July 8th, 2008 (An undelivered message to an old friend, Gavin Quinney and owner of Chateau Bauduc in the Bordeaux region.)
“I am because I have to be, and that is the reason.” July 10th, 2008 (Specifically with regard to being ready.)
“There is no sense of importance, only a sense of being.” October 3rd, 2008 - on turning fifty.
“The mystery of life - the trick of it - is whether it is so ordinary or else so utterly remarkable. The leaf on a tree - is it just another leaf or is it so remarkably special; so utterly unique, so perfect? And between these two opinions is a world of difference. July 8th, 2009
“Don’t look down, don’t look back, don’t be afraid.” July 17th, 2009
“Flow through me
As if you never knew me
As if I wasn’t there;
Only then do I remember
Who I really am.”
Late 2010
“Silence speaks
Falling on deaf ears.
The point is made;
Nobody notices.
All is well.”
Late 2011
“Here I am in this journey, in this story; in this life.” 4:25 am, August 22nd, 2012 after lying awake and reviewing my life to date.
“The most important thing is to know that one is here and how real, how actual it is; how rare and precious it is. How it is the gift of Experience given to us by an untangible entity called ‘God’; and in knowing this, live accordingly.” August 22nd, 2012 upon reflection of the earlier statement.
“We are empty pages staring back at ourselves. Only which of the two is Real? Oh, to become Allness is Everything!” May 2nd, 2015
“Life is a constant process of dissolution.” Reflecting upon the previous statement, earlier observing that today is the 30th anniversary of my becoming a Member of The Aetherius Society, September 26th, 2016
“As one becomes older one begins to see the formation of the hole in the egg-timer through which one must inevitably pass. There can be no resisting it, only surrender; and a sense that all is well.” July 7th, 2017
“If we do not write for God, then who can we expect to listen?” July 23rd, 2018
“I am the totality of my being.” November 20th, 2019
“To understand oneself is to understand God.” November 21st, 2019
“Anything other than the pursuit of God is a distraction.” November 21st, 2019
“Attain to Realization.” October 28th, 2020
“Everything is an understanding” On the tea ritual discussed with Yuriko over dinner, January 3rd, 2021
“I live for Beauty, Greatness and Art, and all three are intertwined.” After dinner with Yuriko, May 7th, 2022
“I felt the weight of Heaven descend and fall upon my shoulders, and as I sat there feeling its light touch it made a sound as ancient as Time itself and yet brighter than tomorrow’s dawn; and I knew that it had never gone away or left me.” January 29th, 2022 (In the aftermath of my brother’s recent death.)
“Of all the qualities, or gifts, or blessings that suddenly - in a moment - take hold of man, none are more beautiful or more revealing than those of Grace.” Recovering from Covid - a disease to make us aware. August 1st, 2022
“All ends are temporary - especially bad ones.” In the early hours, January 20th, 2023
My own epitath from the poem, “O What A World Is This”:
“I cannot conform to this,
And yet I am a part of this,
And to this part I do and must conform.”
Unspoken words to my mother:
“You see Anne, we are the words and the pages of the book, but we are not the cover or the hands that hold the book.” December 18th, 2007
“Success is a lonely road, so I appreciate your accompanying me.” July 8th, 2008. On thoughts of Gavin Quinney, an old friend who purchased Chateau Bauduc in France and made exceptional wine. Yuriko and I visited Gavin and his family at Ch. Bauduc in May, 2009.
“I am, because I have to be, and that is the reason.” July 10th, 2008. Specifically with regard to being ready.
“There is no sense of importance – there is only a sense of Being.” October 3rd, 2008 – at fifty!
“The mystery of life – the trick of it – is whether it is so ordinary or else to utterly remarkable. The leaf on a tree – is it just another leaf upon another tree, or is it so remarkably special, so utterly unique; so perfect? And between these two opinions is a whole world of difference.” July 8th, 2009.
“Don’t look down, don’t look back, don’t be afraid.” July 17th, 2009.
“Flow through me
As if you never knew me,
As if I wasn’t there.
Only then do I remember
Who I really am.”
Late 2010.
“Silence speaks
Falling on deaf ears,
The point is made
Nobody notices;
All is well.”
Late 2011.
“Here I am in this journey;
In this story;
In this life.”
4:25 am, August 22nd, 2012 after lying awake reviewing my life to date.
“I live for Beauty, Greatness and Art, and all three are intertwined.” Dinner with Yuriko, May 7th, 2022.